I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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