He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
