I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
