I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
