You smell like a Billy Joel song
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
