you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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