i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
