when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
