Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
