Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
