Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
