i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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