I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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