Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you didnt know i had herpes?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I have tasted many bathrooms
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
