i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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