ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
