I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
