i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
