I can tuck mytits in my pants
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
