You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
