I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
