don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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