My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
