goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
