i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
