it wasn't lemon gatorade
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
