It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
