u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
