If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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