i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
