tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
