Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
