I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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