i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
