You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
