I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
