The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
