took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
