I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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