i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
