Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
