I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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