false alarm. still invincible.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
