I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
