two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
