My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
