What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
