You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
