Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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