u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
